A Letter To Mom!

As I sit here staring at the computer screen , I am weeping, I am sad and lost! You see my dear peeps my darling Mother passed away exactly 1 month ago, and to be honest with you I have been knocked right out of my size 4 shoes....... My blog is a happy place for me but today please bear with me on this post as I tell you about my mother, mentor and my best friend.

 

Darling Mommy

 

How do I convey a life time of memories in just a few lines of writing, especially if it is the treasured memories of a mother who has always been a pillar of strength to me? Well if you were my mom, Avril, you ballsed up, you sucked it up and you did it..... you tackled it head on and said what had to be said!

The loving Gogo

 

My mother was a fierce woman who met every challenge thrown at her head on! She was feisty and never minced her words..... We were both volatile and head strong....so we fought often, we never spoke for days ! She taught my Jon(my brother) and I independence from a very early age! She taught us to stand up for ourselves and what was right and what was wrong! But she also recognised that we were two very individual people. Jon being the child who would stay at home, who loved nothing more that to curl up with a good book – and he was happy. Me not so much – I was her wild child! The child that wanted adventure, wanted fun and gave her grey hairs – I believe she saw herself in me.

 

She allowed us to grow with gentle guidance but a VERY firm hand, I was on receiving end of that hand more often than not! She gave me the key to our front door at the tender age of 16 and allowed me to run wild! She was always so much fun and always up for a laugh...... my school friends were always at our house because my mom was hip and happening. She taught us all how to smoke! She said if you are going to smoke, well at least do it properly! She held my hair out of my face when I got drunk the first time, and the second and third..... And then she gave up! I don’t think she really believed that the “pot"pourri on my dressing table was potpourri, at all, but she let it slide. She slept in the car outside Jacqueline’s(our local dancing spot) while we partied and danced until the early hours! She took me and my gang of friends to the family planning clinic when we were 16 and got us all protection, then gave us a lecture about being responsible on the way home...... she was the go-to-mom

You supported Jon and I throughout our dancing careers, and hated coming to competitions where we would compete against each other..... Always saying “how can I be happy if one of my children wins but the other looses” She was always so proud of what we achieved!

My Aunt, Cakie told me that her memory of you is "Avril flying down the road on her push bike, hair flying out behind her and laughing with Shirley Tirrel – care free and happy!" Mom you told us many stories, about running the sewers in Pretoria with your gang and being shot at with buck shot!! Mom never got her matric, but instead when her mother had a stroke, she left school to help her family seeing that as her duty also. What I am really trying to say here is that she was always up for a laugh she loved a good joke, and but she never lost sight of her responsibilities and she had many.....

My mother had life long friends.... she knew my Godmother from when she was 13, her commitment to her friends and the sport she loved(Badminton) was as strong as her love for her children! She loved my half brother and sister as if they were her very own children... and my dearest Stepmother was her BFF, she taught me Fierce Commitment, Fierce Loyalty and Fierce Love!

I keep asking myself all these questions... who will make the Christmas cake and soetcookies, who will knit for me now, who will listen to me when I have had a fight, who will fight with ME(mom loved a good fight!), who will cook Mac and Cheese for Little Madame, who will give me advice on gardening, and tell me all the gossip from the You magazine, and then I realise, I know all this because you have been teaching me everything you knew for years, as only a mother can! This sums up your character mommy – Your life was all about giving not taking!

I pick up my phone 100 times a day to call you mommy, to tell you when Little Madame has made me laugh, or the puppy has pooed on the carpet yet again, or just to say hi!.... Then I remember.... I am told that I will never get over your passing, but I will learn to live with it.... Really... I think not! Then there are the firsts, like your birthday that has just past.... the first one that we could not call you at 5am so that Little Madame could sing you Happy Birthday! My birthday that is coming up, the first without your call first thing in the morning, our first Christmas(and you loved Christmas) without you and New Year..... the list is endless...

 

I will love and cherish the memory of you  forever mommy as you did of your beloved father, Harry. I will always try and remember the things she taught me! and I will try not look at your passing as a loss, rather try to think about it as a gain, because you chosen me as a daughter and I was privileged to have you as my MOTHER!

 

Thank you for being the best mom you could be and for giving up so much for Jon and I...I am so sorry that I spent so much time fighting with you, being judgemental and argumentative.... I wish I had told you more often how much I loved you and how much you meant to me. As I look out my bathroom window every morning and watch the sun come up, I think of another day without you and my heart shatters into a million pieces, but I know you are in a better and happier place and that makes me smile through the tears..... I will love you forever Mommy

Your daughter

 

Ash

 

I leave you with one last thought my darling peeps....when you look up at the sky tonight, remember this.....

“Perhaps they are not stars in the sky,

 

But rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy

My Mom

 

PS:: Thank you!